I have been in a slump. It is mostly due to people at work behaving badly. Or just behaving in an incredibly disappointing way. This has been a process of gradual and steady realization that the people I believed in are flawed and not willing to change. It is like watching someone's image slowly erode in front of you. At the end of the process, nothing is left from the sharp features and characteristics of the person you knew. All you are left with is a knot of low willpower, silliness, unwillingness to take ownership for mistakes, misguided values and lack of discipline.
I do not have high expectations of anyone, and yet even the minimum expected at work is sometimes not met, and this jeopardizes my own function there. As a result, I am completely drained out of energy and hope. The only source of optimism are my meetings with students. Youth almost always brings the breeze of change and dynamism.
I have desperately tried to grasp onto the financial independence theme, and dream about times of unfettered existence, when I may revive whatever creative streak I have had in the past. But the timeline to independence is still murky and undecided upon. We have a major financial obligation to fulfill prior to scheduling our freedom day.
I have also tried to listen to Jocko's podcasts that describe the indescribable horrors of wars. Listening to episode 12 of Jocko's readings put things in perspective, and yet, it somehow did not diminish the anguish about my precious life being wasted on petty and useless things that the red tape spits in my face.
This morning I tried another remedy - watching Monty Don and his Paradise Gardens. It proved to be one of the most enchanting programs about gardens. I watched the first 20 minutes while cooking and I am planning on finishing the first episode over lunch.
If you are down these days and you love gardens, this Monty Don production will not disappoint you:
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