Recently, my girl called me in distress. She had too much to deal with. She is in college...
I have my doubts about an educational system that puts our children through this type of a grinder. The educational process should be an inspirational and creative process, not something that brings depression and stress.
But this post is not about the flaws of the U.S. educational system.
This post is about being able to deal with stress and anxiety. When thinking about anxiety, this revealing formula by Chip Conley comes to mind:
Anxiety = Uncertainty x Powerlessness
There is always something that can be done about the right side of the equation. The uncertainty will always be present to some extent.
However, "powerlessness" is not acceptable for the most adaptable creature on earth, the human. You always have to ask yourself, what would I do if the worse comes to worst?
Imagine the worst that can happen in a situation that stresses you. How would you deal with it? Do you have a lawful plan that addresses the worst? If you do, the anxiety will lessen.
Here is the brief email I sent to my child after we talked on the phone about her being stressed and depressed:
Dear X-
When you have time, please listen to this podcast.
You can listen to it when you stroll in the park one of these coming weekends... Make sure that you hear the message.
The story is empowering. Briefly, this is the journey of a driven individual:
extreme poverty - a useless college major - a debt-bound husband - a job, where you learn "on the job" - a six figure salary - the finding of a soulmate - a life of freedom and meaningful existence
Happy listening and do not despair!
BTW, the couple is Trin and Bonnie.
My advice is, in times of anxiety, always think, "...What is the worst that can happen?". If you start thinking and preparing for the worst then you will fare well.
The approach of looking ahead and thinking "What is the worst that can happen?" is very similar to the advice from my first driving lessons. I was in the car with my instructor, a Russian immigrant. We were on the broadest street I have ever driven on, with multiple lanes. This is was my second time behind the wheel. I was freaking out. My hands were tight on the wheel and my eyes nailed on just a few feet in front of the car.
The instructor, noticing my intense stare at the front hood of the car, advised, "Have your eyes way ahead, scanning the road and anticipating what might happen". Now, I "scan" every road I travel.
I also apply the driving lesson in my life. I have learned to scan ahead, looking into the future and putting together plans that may counteract the worst in my life.
I suppose this can be the next grand adventure in “learning disability” pharmaceutical adjustments: taking drugs for “test anxiety.” At some point people need to be able to get through life without being medicated for every stressful scenario unfolding in their lives. Abstract:
Test anxiety is severely disabling to students whose fear of examinations causes cognitive dysfunction that paralyzes their thinking the way stage fright impairs actors ability to act. In studies using subjective evaluations among actors and musicians, beta-blockade relieved stage fright and has been used informally to treat test anxiety in students without objective measures of effectiveness. The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) was chosen as an objective test instrument to confirm the effect of beta-blockade on test anxiety and performance. Thirty-two high school students who had already taken the SAT before enrolling in this study and who had stress-induced cognitive dysfunction on exams were given 40 mg of propranolol one hour before they retook those tests. Mean SAT scores with beta-blockade were 130 points higher than on the initial SAT done before entering the study without medication (p = less than .01). A single dose of propranolol immediately before the SAT permitted improved performance in students prone to cognitive dysfunction due to test anxiety.
Yesterday, I was listening to an interview with Tim Ferriss. He mentioned his idea that by inviting voluntary suffering to our lives, we are preparing ourselves for the times when we face involuntary suffering.
I accept the concept, but I cannot practice it since my current life is already full of involuntary unpleasantness (not exactly suffering, I admit). However, when I have to deal with unpleasantness every second of my wakeful hours and even my dreams are molded by the daily horrors, I have no time to invite suffering on top of everything. When you put out fires all day, you do not start one.
Tim’s advice is good for people of leisure who have time and money and seek some antidote to their cushy life. Instead of drugs, bring some edge to your life by experiencing deprivation, cold, and maybe hunger! I approve.
The other notable moment in the interview was the thought that most of us are reactive, rather than proactive in everyday life. As a result, creativity and building up our individuality are crushed. How many of us have time to embark on self-assigned and self-initiated projects every day or even at all? This reactive way of existence has been another problem of mine for the past months. I have not had time to do something that I have designed, thought about, craved, envisioned. I have been losing sight of my identity.
I need to go back to some foundational work in my mind and decide on what my mission is. Yes, everyone of us should decide on what their mission is. The mission can be re-visited, re-evaluated and re-adjusted with time, but we need to remember what we are doing with our precious little time on this earth.
On this Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I exist! I am also grateful for having time to muse about the meaning of my existence. Is this too egotistical? Not at all. If you appreciate yourself and find your true identity, you would be able to help others in a meaningful way. If you are miserable, feel bad about yourself, the only thing you can bring in people's life is misery and disaster. So, celebrate yourself, your freedom and the precious days when you have the time to realize what you stand for. Today, I will cook for many hours, but this will be a proactive expression of myself. As far as my work unpleasantness goes, I should remember this quote from this link: “Those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.”
Recently, I had also found some solace in this great talk by Martin Rossman.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Most of our worries and troubles originate from money problems. I have read books and magazines on how to become financially stable/independent. I have also listened to countless financial advisers and gurus on YouTube and TV to find the road to financial freedom. From these wasted hours, I have boiled everything down to this list:
1. Too little or too much money = pathology. Extremely rich and extremely poor people are prone to get into similar troubles (e.g., drugs, self-inflicted diseases, mental problems, crime, etc.).
2. However, it is also possible for money to equal freedom, except for the obsessed with money people, for whom money equals slavery (there is no a wealth limit that is satisfactory to such people).
3. The best way to make money is to become an entrepreneur. The perfect case is when your business is also your passion.
4. You could be financially stable, and even financially independent, as an employee, if your salary is good, and you are prudent about spending and wise about investing.
5. If you do not know anything about investing, it seems that it is best to invest in stable companies that pay dividends.
All other financial advice is maddening, since the “gurus” calculate that you and I will work for 40+ years, and promise that we will achieve a consistent 7% return on our investments from now on! The reality is that very few of us would like to work until age of 65, and the stock market will not bring anything close to a 7% return in the future.
If we go back to the anxiety part in our financial situation, I like Chip Conley’s formula:
Anxiety = [powerlessness] x [uncertainty]
According to this formula, one can tackle anxiety by acquiring at least a smidgen of power (in this case, by saving like crazy) and eliminating some uncertainty by putting together a series of plans for financial stability (plan A, B, C, etc., since at least in my case, plan A is rarely achievable).
How to accomplish this? I found useful leads and inspiration in the blog of Mr. Money Mustache, a guy who retired at age of 30, and now advises hopeful retiree-wannabes on how to accomplish the same. The study of financial independence is in fact a quest for happiness, according to his philosophy, which is briefly summarized in this YouTube talk: Mr. Money Mustache Interview - Early Retirement Made Easy.
