Five years to live

What would you do if you have only five or ten years to live?

What would you regret about if the doctor tells you that you have only 24 hours to live?

Do you have a personal mission statement?

These are the questions asked by Paula and J.D. in this podcast episode of Afford Anything. I found the questions stirring.

If I had only five to ten years to live, I would put some money aside for my child (not too much!), quit my job (this very second) and the rest of my finances will be spent on traveling and having good times out there with whoever wants to be with me. Mom, child, spouse, a friend...

What would I be sorry about if I had only 24 hours to live? Missing on FUN. I need more fun in my life. My resolution right now is to start scheduling fun activities, rather than obligations.

I still do not have a personal mission statement and I may never have one. I like my ever-changing passions and interests. I have not come up with any statement that captures all my hopes. Isn't a mission statement more about hopes than reality?

Another great motivational video is this of Jenny Mustard. The main idea here is: do not establish and follow the routine! I need to start incorporating more activities in my life that make me happier. I might start a diary, or even better, work for five to ten minutes every night on projects of my imagination. I have a ton on projects either in their embryonic stage on my computer or brewing in my brain.

Speaking about things that bring me happiness and inspiration, here is a video on a great house. Architecture has always been a passion of mine.

Also, here is some hygge for the Spring!

I cannot wait for the snowdrops in my garden this spring season. These would be the first flowers to show in my garden. I dug out a few bulbs from the woods last year and this year, I am expecting the little white ballerinas to dance in front of the house. Maybe in February, maybe in March?
 
Since I have imposed a strict financial discipline on me, I have a restraining order away from flower catalogues; otherwise, I would have filled the garden with crocuses and hellebores. Unfortunately, tulips do not survive the hungry menagerie in my area.
 
Snowdrops and daffodils! As I imagine them nodding with the spring breeze, I smile. Yes, imagery is another way to happiness. Just imagine the sun, the blue sky and the little yellow daffodils.





What makes you feel happy and uplifted?

Tribulations by an old hag

Cornelis Bisschop - Old Woman Sleeping

These days I feel old. I feel ancient. People say wisdom comes with age. I am in desperate need of that age-dependent wisdom. Instead of getting wiser and smarter, today I find myself like a child, confused, puzzled, without any idea what I am doing and where I am going.

I was listening to someone rich and famous these days. He was an arrogant swindler who accumulated money in a sketchy way; a guy, who did not produce anything but has millions of dollars. And yet, he said something that I have realized a decade ago – adults do not know what they are doing. When you are a child, you firmly believe that all adults know what they are doing, why they are doing it, and where they are going. In fact, they do not. I do not know where I am going. I constantly struggle and constantly change my mind. I am like a particle that randomly changes its direction. There is no final destination, no final target in my mind. Random thoughts flood my brain and sway me from one extreme to another.

On a daily basis, I sway from fear to indifference. There is not a second of elation or excitement. If I force myself to plan my life ahead, the only plan is to avoid possible disasters that hammer at my brain. These are the disasters that haunt us all – the poor health ahead, the lack of money, the loneliness, the sense of not belonging, the belief that at end of our life we will regret everything … There are never positive thoughts of achieving, creating, establishing something new and useful.

This introspective state of criticism installs itself only at times when I take a few days off of work. Otherwise, work keeps me utterly busy with excruciatingly stupid, silly, and useless activities. At the end of the workday, I am an empty bag, a drab worn-out sack that contains nothing. The only redeeming quality of my job is that it is so time-demanding that I do not have a minute to ponder the fact that I am going nowhere, that I have no purpose, that I do not know what I am doing on the greater scale of life. Otherwise, I am German-level organized and disciplined: I account for every minute of mine, I work on weekends, I maximize every second of my home life. When I do not work for the paycheck, I have the food list in my mind when I do the weekly pilgrimage to the supermarket, I have my little tasks clicking in my mind in a sequential order: (1) clean the rug, (2) take the mop, (3) cut the veggies, (4) start the pot for the soup, etc. I work like the Energizer Bunny on batteries that never give up.

Only in the evenings, for one or two hours, I allow my mind to drift away from the tracks of work and obligations. This is usually the time when I walk and listen to a few podcasts and interviews. I listen to people ranting about their passions and strives, about their accomplishments, life lessons and life hacks. I also read a little before closing my eyes with the hope for oblivion and sleep.

Sometimes it is a book that reboots my mind and then I realize how deprived I am. Not of food, warmth, or company. I am deprived of emotions and big ideas. I am deprived of meaning. I desperately look at others to fill in the void, without realizing that the only one to fill in the void is me.

The book that rebooted my brain out of the vicious work-home-work cycle, and prodded me write this post was Chocolat by Joanne Harris. I got the book last week, during one of my regular raids in the local library. In the library, I never pick books I have previously decided to look for. I usually float by the shelves, throw a glance at the back cover, and take a second or two to decide on whether the book is worth my time or not.

It was only when I came home and opened the book, that I realized that I have seen the movie based on the published work. 

The book is about a wanderer and her daughter, about the time when they finally have stopped their world journey and are in a small French village. The mother and child have opened a place that offers chocolate in all its seductive shapes and forms. Along with the chocolate comes love, generosity and search for meaning. It is a book about a strong woman, who like all of us, is in search.

And this is a comforting thought: life is a constant search, whether we like it or not. There is no finite state of contentment and achievement. A static state like this would be the kiss of death. Till our last moment we need to search. The fact that I do not know where I am going and what I am doing might be a blessing in disguise.

So, this book of chocolate seduction, colors, scents, geraniums, generosity, love, nourishing food, imagination, folklore, superstition, everyday life and death made me realize that the search for meaning is the meaning of life.

I am still hungrily devouring page here and there. After I finish the first reading of Chocolat, I will read it again; the second time I will slowly take in each word and internalize it.

The follies of our lives - part I

Folly: lack of good sense; foolishness


I had decided to share some of the mistakes in my life and how and whether I can address them. However, once I started writing, the post turned into a dissection of unresolved issues, and reflections on how I can face and overcome these. The time of reckoning has come…

Mr. Money Mustache had a post on making our goals public; once they are public, we are more likely to stick to our plans and feel accountable. Since mistakes, unresolved issues, and goals are interconnected, I decided to proceed with the post, and make it public :).


Folly #1
Not having a life plan 
                                                                          LIFE EXPECTANCY

  >80  77.5-80  75-77.5  72.5-75  70-72.5  67.5-70    65-67.5     60-65  55-60  50-55  45-50  40-45  <40

Currently in the U.S. the life expectancy for females is 81.2 years and for males is 76.4 years. How many years do you have left, assuming that your lifespan fits the statistics? What if you have much less left? What if it is just a day?

If I fit the statistics, I have lived though more than half of my life, and yet, I have never had a life plan.

Looking back at my strange past, I could never had planned what happened to me. Years ago, if I had delineated my future the way it unfolded in real life, everyone would had qualified me as crazy, and in serious need of mental rehabilitation. One day, I will tell my story. It is suffice to say that my life has surprised me, and I admit, it has not been boring.

However, it is nice to have some structure and control over future life, especially when old age approaches and one compulsively starts accounting for what has been accomplished and hopefully, savoring what the lifetime effort has produced.

In Mr. Money Mustache’s post that discusses the book Your Money or Your Life there are three questions that everyone should ask. Here are the re-phrased questions:

1. Is your fulfillment proportional to the amount of time/life years spent?

2. Is this expenditure aligned with my life goals?

3. Would you change your work life routine, if you did not have to work for a living?
 
It is disheartening that simple questions like these stopped me in my tracks. I am a PhD - level educator and researcher, probably I should be able to breeze through these questions?

Question #1

Is there any fulfillment in my everyday work? The past years and even present days are a blurry of hours spent in the labs and on desks. I have published scientific papers, I have received a bit of research grant money; however, I doubt that anything I have accomplished would impact the field I work in.

Recently, I realized that the only usefulness in my work might be measured by how successful I am in instilling intellectual curiosity in my students. Asking the right questions is the most powerful driving force in human progress. Reading an encyclopedia composed of questions is far more beneficial than reading an encyclopedia filled with facts. However, our students are not given the time and chance to stop, assimilate the basic facts, and ask questions. They are constantly bombarded by a torrent of information and facts, and all of these need to be regurgitated at tests. The students do not need to be inquisitive and ask questions, as we do not measure their progress by how well they identify problems and formulate questions.

The first question brings the concern of whether I can make a difference at my job. Since at present I have not seen any evidence for my impact on anything or anyone, the answer to the first question is, no, I have not found my fulfillment to be proportional to my effort (measured in life years/life energy).

Question #2
The second question of whether the expenditure is aligned with the life goals is impossible to answer, as I have no goals. Embarrassingly, I have none. Yes, I have to meet certain expectations at work in order to have my contract renewed, but these petty and rather meaningless “metrics” evaluating my effort are not equivalent to life goals. Life goals should be broad, comprehensive, and true to my identity. I have no such because I do not dare to plan. And I do not dare, because (a) my previous attempts to plan have miserably failed, and (b) sometimes my plans are dependent upon other people and circumstances that I have no control over. 

Here I have to re-phrase Kurt Vonnegut, “Higher power/God grant me serenity to accept the time spent working to bring bread on the table, courage to purge the meaningless activities that clutter my daily life, and wisdom to always tell the difference (between the two types of activities).”

The best scenario is when our life goals coincide with our work life goals; this requires the alignment of my moral and philosophical values with the mission of my institution. Not all of us a lucky to work for a great institution with lofty ideas and a well-defined (or any) mission. 

The alternative is to create a job that aligns with my values. But before that, to define my goals I need to establish my own mission in life. This idea came from a Radical Personal Finance podcast by Joshua Sheats (unfortunately, I am not sure which episode). Joshua pours his heart and soul in these podcasts and talks not only about finances, but also about life in general. At first, it was surprising to think that a  person, rather than a company/institution/corporation should have a mission. The more I thought about it however, the more convinced I became that having a mission would help me define my goals and put everything in a logical perspective.

The brief answer to question two is that I am in a process of awakening, and I hope to re-align expenditure and life goals somehow. It is also possible that this blog is a manifestation of this effort: I have been accumulating knowledge that could improve other people’s quality of life, and I would like to share it.

Question #3
The third question is easy compared to the first two. Would I change my work life routine, if I did not have to work for a living? Yes, I would, as some of my current required work activities are such a waste of time! If I were financially independent, I would distill the most meaningful job activities and probably work only 20 hours or less a week. The rest of my hours would be dedicated to exploring new impactful venues of development: a novel business, a volunteer stint, a few creative projects.

Apart of all these considerations, I need to be fair: my current job is the best one I have ever had, and probably the best I will ever have. The job includes a dose of creativity, and this is rare. Could my job be more fulfilling? Yes, but I am still searching for ways to impart more meaning to my everyday tasks. 



What about you? Can you answer these questions:

1. Is your fulfillment proportional to the amount of time/life years spent?

2. Is this expenditure aligned with my life goals?

3. Would you change your work life routine, if you did not have to work for a living? 
 

Folly #2
Adopting a lifestyle that kills
        to be continued…