This is what someone told me a month ago. Ever since, my mind circled back to this statement many times. It is attractive not to depend on anyone’s opinion, to know for sure what I am worth, to validate my own actions and behaviors.
Interestingly, we do not care about anyone’s opinion when we are born. We are unaware of the approval or disapproval of the surrounding people at our birth and throughout the first years of our lives.
We also die not caring about what everyone else thinks about us and how everyone around assesses us. In the last months or years of our lives, if we are aware of our approaching end, we would likely be disinterested in everyone’s opinion about us.
And yet, between these two events – birth and death – we are entangled in what people think and say about us, in how people perceive us and treat us. This is a most constraining and enduring condition that defines our lives and behaviors. This is also an enormous time trap; we spend countless hours fretting about people’s assessments of us and their behaviors toward us.
The more integrated we are with the society and its structures, the higher is our dependence on external validation. If we work for our living, then we are evaluated on a regular basis.
I am currently evaluated by many “parties” at my job. The customers, several layers of bosses, and external associates are all assessing my behavior and contributions, my knowledge and even my appearance. This is of course, in addition to colleagues and peers talking about me and doing their “behind-the-scenes” dirty politics. I do not care about the last category anymore, since my salary does not depend on them. For the most part, I can effectively avoid the evil colleagues simply by interacting with them only if it is absolutely necessary. I have witnessed that “friendships” with coworkers are useless and even detrimental. I watched such “associations” burn to ashes. The initial “honeymoon”, when new to each other colleagues overshare personal information is quickly replaced by an open warfare period, when the shared information is turned into a dagger, with which the former “friends” backstab each other.
Whereas the pathetic situations with judgmental, evil and psychotic colleagues might be avoided through limited interactions and more guarded behaviors, the imposed by institutions evaluations such as your annual review with the boss cannot miraculously disappear. We are subjected to these "examinations" since school age, when assessments and grades are given for everything we learn and do. And then, we proceed though our lives by enduring more and more evaluations, as long as we need to work for our living.
The only way out of the vicious trap of assessments and evaluations is to be financially independent. This is obvious when you analyze the behaviors of filthy rich people. Let’s take as an example Elon Musk. Not only the guy does not care about what you and I think about him, he is also creating the same judgment-free environment for his children.
Musk established a school for his five sons and a few other lucky kids. In this school, “…there are very few formal assessments and no grades are handed out". Emphasis is placed not on the fear of the grades and opinions of teachers and peers, but on creativity: “…Many students go on to create their own websites with what they've learned “, and “…Feedback is given in the form of TED Talk like symposia and presentations to faculty members of nearby universities“. Best of all, “Each year, the curriculum is totally rewritten, with around half of the content decided upon by the students themselves”.
Do you think that kids, who have gone through this school, would grow up to be adults who deeply care about formal assessments and evaluations? I doubt it.
Can you live beyond external validation, rather than seek confirmation and approval by others? Or maybe the right question is, can you afford to not care about external validation? Is it your life that you are living?
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